Krisiruth

 

I have been using Adobe programs for about three years now, which I have learned through a combination of trial and error, youtube videos and user forums.

There are a few mysteries I have not quite mastered, like how to move an image file from Adobe Illustrator to Photoshop without losing quality in the image. For some reason, it had never crossed my mind to try googling the answer, or seeking out the advice of a friend. Perhaps it was an internal stubbornness, to prove I could come up with an answer on my own, that I didn’t need others to help me.

Recently, the problem came up again on a work project and I finally typed my question into google and was presented with a simple solution.

It was incredibly easy and it made me wonder what other questions I had not thought to ask? Or what other questions I was avoiding in my life because I stubbornly wanted to find the answers on my own.

Life is no less complex than Adobe programs.

I would say it is much more intricate, and much of how I learn about myself is through trial and error, sometimes with guidance or advice.

If I am not willing to ask myself good questions, or even realize that questioning myself is necessary, I might never grow. But sit in a dormant but comfortable lifestyle.

Well I don’t want to be satisfied with comfortable.

And as I say that, I know it’s also a lie. Of course I want to be comfortable, at least in the short term. But in the long term, I want to know the truth, about myself, about my relationships, about what love looks like and what it doesn’t.

I talked to my cousin Ally about my recent experience with casual dating. How mostly it included ignoring the person I had come to know myself as, someone who valued her body and her faith and who wanted to respect those same values in others.

I knew I was ignoring these principles, when after weeks of feigning commitment to a man, I bolted when he wanted more, a title. “Girlfriend.”

Not because he was repulsive or unkind, but my first thought was “I don’t wan’t anyone to find out.” I don’t want a public proclamation because then the people who have seen me grow into this strong and self aware version of myself, will know I gave up. Will see I am choosing comfort over struggle and truth.

They will know I am running and it will be obvious I am hiding from who I have claimed to be.

Obvious I am ignoring all the things true about what I say I want. Obvious I am filling in the longing left over from the last time I genuinely let someone in. A longing carved out in me from my first relationship experience as self-aware Krisi. A relationship which ended, but left an impression on me. It taught me to speak up about what I want, in the long term and the short term.

Ally could see I was ignoring what I learned, just to be comfortable. She said,

“Krisi, you have to have the courage to be uncomfortable even if it means not getting what you want in the moment.”

This is not an easy lesson to learn.

Self awareness doesn’t do me any good if I use it for self-sabotage. What I mean is, I am very good at talking myself into believing anything, especially in the place between a half truth and a lie. I ask myself enough questions to understand who I should be, but stop short of talking myself away from comfort.

Like a casual dating relationship, no strings attached. No pain. A false fulfilling of the carved out ache.

So what does this have to do with learning how to edit an image in Photoshop?

if I practice asking the good questions in something as simple as learning how to edit a photo properly, ignore my stubbornness and seek help, maybe I will learn to do the same when it comes to the bigger, tougher decisions in my life.

How about you?

 

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