I am learning every relationship I develop, platonic or otherwise, has a lesson of self-understanding attached to it. The very existence of human interaction is designed to teach me something, and not always about what I am doing wrong.

Occasionally relationships end too. I’ve learned this comes more frequently, and more amiably as I am growing up. When referring to “growing up”, I am speaking more to the maturity of the character rather than maturity of the body.

Disaster, isn’t always the cause of ended ties (thank goodness). For me, it’s been a variety of reasons: distance, time, change of interests.

But I’m going to be honest, I assumed when it came to relationships of the romantic nature, the only way it wouldn’t work out was if I was doing something wrong. Or perhaps if the significant other had blaring red flags, such as being emotionally abusive or having really really bad breath.

This year I have learned a very important lesson, are you ready? Here it goes —

A relationship with a man does not have to contain major conflict, or minor conflict to not work out. The majority of my relationships have dissipated simply based of a lack of equal interest.

The trouble here, is the fact that it is easier to know how to proceed when disaster ends a relationship.

For example, I can create a bulleted list of all the immaturities to improve on for next time — the manipulations, the lack of effort, movie talker, lazy leg shaver. I could do yoga to heal the mind and soul, I could become a monk until I learned to forgive myself and ex-partner. 

If the relationship ends amiably, I fall into a pattern of obsession. Searching for the mistakes, how can I improve, what did I/we do wrong?

It’s exhausting being me.

I have wanted disaster to end my relationships, because then I can control the outcome of the next relationship.

Be a better listener, don’t be manipulative, cry less, shave legs more.

A product of my evangelical upbringing perhaps, and my need to please people, my need to do more, to be better with the hope effort will produce results.

The piece I am not accounting for is when becoming a better listener, avoiding manipulation, crying less, and shaving legs more still cannot keep me in a dating relationship, or a platonic friendship for that matter.

In Chemistry it’s called the control group and the independent variable. Unfortunately, dating is not as much like Chemistry as I would like it to be. 

It involves an element not found on the Periodic Table —


Trust in the reality relationships are not always ending because I am a disaster. And trust in the fact, that someday, against all odds and control groups, things will work out, just as they ought too.




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