I went on a double date in college. I was the fifth person, so the date wasn’t meant for me, but all the same I had no idea this would become normal in my life eight years later. Often, I am what they call a prime number, a number which can only be divided evenly by itself or the number one. So in a group I am almost absolutely the 7th, or the 5th, or the 421st. I think this is a phenomenon or a syndrome that should be studied. Like when I go to the movies by myself to enjoy a little Wes Anderson and some buttered popcorn, I always notice pairs and doubles around me, if I counted, perhaps I would discover I was 191 or 211.
I’m not a math genius, just really good at recognizing my oddness in a group.
At Trivia recently I was explaining to my team of two couples how as a kid, I used to watch the Super Bowl in youth group and in the next breath I told a story involving the opposite scruples of youth group, one of the guys looked at me with a tilted head and said, “you are a very confusing person.” Yes, I resigned, I then threw my arm around the empty chair next to me and said, “that’s why I am sitting over here with this guy.”
I am a confusing person, I like reading books by semi-Christians and dislike going to church. I don’t have sex, but think I would but know I won’t at the very same time. I struggle to write because my words are disjointed as they hit the page. I believe marriage is for anyone, man and man, woman and man, woman and woman. I don’t believe in polarizing with politics, but do believe Donald Trump is a right git. I love President Bush and President Obama.
Even if you don’t see how it’s possible, I am pretty confident in who I am. I used to be certain about Jesus and heaven and hell, then I just didn’t know and now I am certain I will never fully know, but can pretty much say focusing on heaven and hell are missing the point of Jesus.
The truth is I am confusing, a personality trait which just isn’t going to change anytime soon. As far as lives go I have a pretty good one, I enjoy my house and my roommates, love the community around me and the job I go to every day. I feel motivated in my career and find purpose in my day to day life.
Most of the time, being solo isn’t that noticeable to me, and then I walk into a donut shop on February 14th. The girl in front of me ordered two pink donuts covered in tiny candy sprinkles, the cashier smiled and said “Happy Valentines day!” I ordered one regular no non-sense brown butter glazed donut and got a pity smile and “have a good day.” Loaded with meaning right? If I had ordered two donuts would I have gotten a “you’re in the club” greeting like that chump in front of me? I barely opened my mouth to grunt and they knew by instinct I was a confusing person and a prime number.
As I started to write this, I googled a list of prime numbers and learned something I didn’t know before, 2 is also a prime number. I guess that means even if I am confusing and the odd man out most of the time, there is still hope.
But that’s not the point, because heres the truth, I like my groups, even if I am odd — in so many ways.
Maybe I ended up on a double date accidentally in college, the difference now is I join them on purpose. Being single doesn’t mean i’m alone, not if I don’t want to be. I get to enjoy my friends and trivia without feeling like I’m intruding on someone else’s night. Also, luckily, my favorite board game requires seven players.
I’m not saying I don’t want to date or get married, but i’m also happy to meet my pairs of friends for swim group or board game night or Sunday morning coffee as just me, Krisi.
Krisi, the confusing girl who has been compared to a cat more than once. I’ll take it.